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[29 Aug 2010|08:36pm] |
Here's the thing: if I want to date someone, I'm going to ask. While unconventional and usually too much for most to handle, it's how I prefer to operate because truthfully, controlling your own romantic prospects is important. It feels pathetic to sit back and pine for someone -- indulging in that kind of anxiety is also entirely unnecessary and completely self-inflicted. I know a good handful of people who do enjoy that feeling, and for that, I'm truly unsympathetic. They're in love with some intensely stupid idea that love is pain, that pretending you care less than you do makes you cool, and genuinely putting yourself out there to be affectionate and receive genuine affection is dangerous. It's the game of who likes who the least, and it's a game that any self-respecting adult would do well to put the kibosh on with quick, deadly efficiency. I have a lot of close friends with that problem, and given the chance to engage them romantically or play the Bombs Away mission on Vice City over and over for the rest of my life in true Dante's Inferno style, I'd have to go with the shittiest mini game ever invented.
That being said, I'm really tired of being hounded. I know when a guy is trying to hang out with me to be friends -- it's the ones that exclusively try and trick me into being alone, take me to movies, pay for my shit that I'm having a tough time with. Why can't they just announce their intentions? Is it really harder to have the "I'm seeing someone and can't have you tricking me into going on dates" talk rather than, "I think you're fantastic and would potentially ask you on a date in the future, but I'm seeing someone" talk?
I'm flattered that people think I'm an adequate scapegoat to project their wants and needs on -- it sounds sarcastic, but I mean it sincerely. To me, it means I've finally managed to reach a level of physical appeal that causes people to overlook exactly the kind of person I'd be to date. In truth, I wouldn't date me for a myriad of reasons.
I'm not very affectionate. I'm friendly, yes, and easy to engage, but I absolutely hate touching most people. It's generally the number one reason I disappear from social functions without saying goodbye -- everyone wants a fucking hug. I'm an intellectual bully, I'm very openly opinionated, and I love to debate. If I'm not given the chance to have a good romp in the most topical political, theological, or social conversation without your feelings being hurt, well, it's never, ever going to work. I correct people's grammar without thinking about it, so a healthy amount of confidence and willingness to concede when we debate about syntax is probably advisable. I say confidence because if you roll over and concede without truly understanding and acknowledging the superior argument (regardless of whether it belongs to you or I), I disengage and lose interest almost automatically. This is only a small portion of my ridiculously inflexible needs, and one of the reasons I take it upon myself to engage people I'm interested in instead of waiting around for them. The right person would probably be able to call out a good portion of these prerequisites I carry around with me like seriously neurotic mental baggage and want nothing to do with me. I have the power to change minds, though. We'll cover that power at a later date.
With a longer list of caveats than there are blood vessels in the human body, it's incumbent upon me to implore the customers that sit at my place of work to leer and hover around me: if you can't even engage me in a proper conversation, why are you interested? Obviously I'm a snobby, standoffish bitch who isn't willing to work to keep the conversation engaging for you -- why try so hard? On that note, if you can't properly ask me on a date for fear of rejection, how am I going to be able to crush your plans for sociopolitical sustainable development? Could you do the same to me and walk away feeling confident in our relationship? No? Then fuck off, friend!
Men talk big about how they want a 'smart girl' to date when in truth, they just want a woman on their arm that they can show off and be proud of. There are plenty of women who project a sense of competence and beauty that'll do without my negligible needs like actually communicating and understanding your significant other in an intensely respectful and healthy way. You can have shallow, easy relationships and still have great sex. I think. You know -- I don't actually know if stupid men and women are good in bed because I can't get it up unless they have a certain intellectual capacity.
There's other stuff, too: you need to have ambition, drive, wants, needs. My last relationship ended because we didn't care to push each other to be ambitious (Among countless other reasons -- ZING), and pulling around that kind of dead weight when you're trying to grow can be exhausting. You don't even need to have success -- just that unspoken drive and passion that manifests every now and again so you're taking steps forward. Baby steps, even. I don't believe in stagnation. I also offer all of these services and more to the poor sod who's stupid enough to date me.
Anyway. I'm tired of dating, so I'm not going to do it for a while. I have a tendency to be strictly emotionally monogamous, and I've met someone. There was a someone before him that I put a pause on dating anyone else for, but it didn't really work out. So ashamed was I of the rejection that I continued turning dates down even before I met this new guy. New guy and I actually talked at length about my rejection, and he told me how pathetic it was to pine after someone pining after someone who's pining after someone. Yeah. I talk tough, but sometimes I have a propensity towards shit that really looks like The O.C. I think that this new guy's willingness to call me out despite his attraction to me turned on a light in my head. Convinced that any guy who could give me brutally honest relationship and esteem advice while holding a candle for the subject was worth my time, I totally found someone to date without even trying. It's been about eight days and out of respect, I've turned down six requests to date. It feels good, but now I feel like I owe facebook some sort of status update on my personal life.
Oh, fuck off.
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[05 Aug 2010|12:05pm] |
Hi, I'm Kari, and this entry is a relevant, real-time addition. This is a first.
I turned twenty two yesterday, and it was a good day overall. I should probably start with something topical to establish a relevant opinion of mine to retain your interest. The Proposition 8 repeal passed yesterday, so I consider that one of my better presents. It hailed, too, which I've never had happen before -- I live in Utah, in the desert. August is a little late in the game for Mother Nature to try and renegotiate the kind of climate standards this locale has, but I'm glad to entertain notions that I'm the Antichrist as a result.
Save for an acquaintance that insists on bringing me down to scratch this itch he has to emulate the kids who teased him in high school, I'm pretty sure the day was perfect. Even with Snarkmeister 10,000 doing everything he can to be a passive aggressive birthday destroying bitch, I managed to soldier through it and come out on top. I've already mentioned his indiscretions twice, so in an attempt to pretend I'm not bothered by it, I'm going to switch topics.
Sort of.
I work in a coffee shop. It's actually no small feat, to be totally honest with you. If I wasn't madly in love with the shop, the customers, and my bosses/coworkers, I probably wouldn't have applied, because it's really hard fucking work. Before this, I was working as a senior archivist for a local institute. You've probably heard of it. Before that, I was working as a project manager for a design department for an accessories company. Before that, I was working as director of Human Resources on a temporary basis, which turned out to be almost six months of my life wasted on empathizing with people I hate. All of these jobs in comparison were cut-and-dry, easy, and paid four times as much. I don't understand why I get paid minimum wage to burn and cut my fingers making your soy caffeine-free latte, but when I was sitting on my ass playing Warcraft II on my laptop I managed to pop out twenty two bucks an hour. This country is all fucked up in terms of paying for real labor. I blame technology.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I don't work at Sunset Coffee because I hate myself, I've fallen on hard times, or I'm in between jobs. I work where I do because I know I can make it better, and I can be a part of something that I consider incredible. I know that even with this useless English degree, I have skills, ideas, and a love for coffee and the people who are specifically drinking Sunset's coffee that are invaluable.
On a personal note, I'm trying to juggle incredible amounts of cynicism and my mind's propensity to write off anyone who doesn't open with those one lines from The Iliad with the proper dactylic hexameter. I actually like these people, and I actually want to work with and work for them. In the last three months, I've been overwhelmed with how much I actually feel for our regulars, my coworkers, and the friends I've made as a result of the other two subgroups. It sounds bizarre, and it sounds paranoid, but I almost feel a chemical change in me through all of this social interaction. I still can't tell if it's going to be a good thing -- all of this people-contact-connecting-touching-there's-a-word-for-this-oh-my-god-I'm-hung-over -- when I haven't had this much face time since I was twelve. I just don't do the people thing. To compound my confusion, they seem to be okay with the fact that I've spent almost my entire life reading books/comics, playing games, watching stuff, or overachieving in school and have a lot of catching up to do in the sense of social interaction.
Sure, my overeager, endorphin-fueled attitude has a few people leery about whether or not I'm "real", but honestly, I can't take anyone seriously who puts a thick emphasis on "bein' real" because it feels incredibly juvenile to tout that concept around. I can't explain it right now because I'm losing interest in writing this entry, but it seems preemptive, with a hint of projection. The people who get up in arms about others being socially courteous and not letting themselves be the fucking weirdos that we all are inside are usually hiding the weirdest and the craziest.
Just sayin'. The "be real" craze that's hit our youth paired with their rampant faux apathy and "don't give a shit!" attitude seems to be at least marginally conflicting ideas. Maybe. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. How the hell did this entry end up here?
Good morning. I'm awake, now.
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| 7/27/10 |
[05 Aug 2010|10:48am] |
As a recently single woman after a two and a half year relationship ending on really decent terms, I've been forced to face the facts about certain completely absurd behaviors men and women insist on touting around when it comes to hormones.
First: do men really think their subtle attempts to get down honestly work? It goes like this: "You should be nicer to me, if you know what I mean!" "I don't know what you mean." "Well, you know. I'm nice to you, you're nice to me." "I'm still really confused about what you mean." "Well, you owe me." "What?" "...nevermind."
I'm going to skip ahead here just a little bit because I have this groovy stream of consciousness vibe going on.
If I so much as allude to oral sex for my benefit, it seems to elicit a reaction from a world where cooties still exist and recess isn't just a misty memory from the past. Everyone says: cunnilingus cannot be given as a favor. What, so sticking a dick in my mouth can? No. I'm sorry, but between the two, considering the space you have to cover on a dick, I'm going to say that going down on a chick is the real "favor" here. I urge you, ladies of the world, gay or straight, to demand an orgasm before you give it up. Seriously. It's not a hard skill to teach.
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[08 Jun 2010|04:16pm] |
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You probably noticed that there was a random surge of entries posted on the 27th -- the actual post dates are in the subject line. I just wanted to beef up the content here a bit since I haven't had the time to write new material in the last few weeks.
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[27 May 2010|07:39pm] |
"If you think about it, saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day means less than it does on pretty much any other day of the year. It's like there's inflation on the currency of romance or something..."
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[27 May 2010|07:30pm] |
People used to get involved in hacking back when the world of computer and telephone technology was just beginning to open up because for many of us it was the only way in. Owning a computer was something most of us could only dream about. And the telephone network was big and omnipotent and kept out of the reach of those who wanted to shape it and experiment.
In the early days, if you wanted to play with a UNIX system, you almost had to use one that you didn't have permission to access. If you wanted to communicate on something bigger than a one or two line BBS, breaking into a system run by the government or a large corporation was a path many of us chose.
The cost of making a telephone call was almost universally prohibitive for anyone who had the desire to try and communicate with people outside their local area. Methods were devised and shared that allowed those with a bit of technical knowledge, a spirit of rebellion, and a desire to explore the ability to make calls around the world. Not just to other people like them, but also to operators and technicians who could help them understand the vast system.
Today it's a completely different landscape, at least for those of us in the developed world. Hopping on the net and communicating worldwide is something practically everyone takes for granted these days. It means nothing to access a website that's coming from another part of the world whereas in the past it would have been a big deal to see even a foreign newspaper in the library. Details of our daily lives are shared planetwide through our blogs, mailing lists, mobile phones, laptops and scores of other devices and methods. Contacting anyone anywhere at any time has never been easier or cheaper.
It would seem that everything those hackers of the not-so-distant past were setting out to achieve has been accomplished. Access is readily available to most of us, communications around the globe are cheap or free, information on operating systems and computer programs is shared rather than restricted and concepts like open source software, free access, and open expression seem to be flourishing or, at the very least, heavily in demand.
So where do the hackers fit in today? How are they even relevant?
To answer this requires an understanding of what hacking actually is. If you're of the belief that the world of hacking comprises little more than making free phone calls and infiltrating computer systems, then the relevance factor has indeed gone way down. There is no long distance anymore; there seems to be little that is beyond reach. You no longer have to be a hacker to figure it all out. And since computers are now everywhere, all sorts of people are accessing things they're not supposed to have access to, regardless of their technical ability. Whether it's a university that leaves the personal data of 90,000 people up on a website, a certain government agency that still has its routers accessible to the entire world using default passwords, or individuals who feels compelled to post an astounding amount of personal data and private thoughts on sites like myspace, facebook, livejournal, blogger, and so many others -- infiltration and the obtaining of data that we really shouldn't be able to obtain is hardly a challenge anymore.
To many that challenge has been reverse. Instead of trying to figure out way to penetrate a system, the task now is to keep from being victimized by our collective naivete and the poor security that pervades the computers running our society. Maintaining your own privacy, avoiding the many ways of becoming a victim, and ultimately designing better systems is the next step that many of us are already taking.
While these are all positive things to be involved in, they are mostly defensive and lack the real edge of what the hackers of old were involved in. For those who have never experienced this, it's very difficult to describe. But it's a feeling of knowing that you're into something fascinating that most "normal" people could never understand and that one day might lead to something incredible. It's also something that is usually forbidden for one reason or another, often because the people in control also realize the tremendous potential and they fear the sense of empowerment that individuals might gain by understanding this.
Lots of people see the thrill in being involved with something like the hacker world because it's portrayed with a hint of insurgency and self-determination. It's romanticized in our movies, on television, and in literature. Even in the mainstream stories, the hero always operates outside of the rules in order to get the job done effectively, as well as to be defined as a true individual. And for the vast majority of those interested in becoming part of the hacker culture, this is all that matters: the image. That, even more than the changing technologies, is what threatens the relevancy of the hacker world. It's the epitome of rebel without a cause.
There are all sorts of stories that have been written about victors in a war who then have no idea how to handle their triumph because they never expected to win. There are elements of that which can be applied to hackers. We no longer need to struggle to accomplish those things we wanted, mainly communications, understanding, and the sharing of information. Those all seem to be the defaults now. In that regard, we have most definitely won.
But luckily the hacker mentality goes quite a bit beyond those concepts. Discovery never ends. Nor do those forces that want total control over societies and individuals, those forces which we must engage in perpetual battle with. As long as they exist -- in other words, for the duration of humanity -- the hacker mentality will continue to be relevant and essential.
It's difficult not to get sucked into the world of popularity, especially when what you are saying or doing happens to become trendy. We've faced this odd problem for a large part of our existence. We've watched many good ideas turn into vastly successful business models. We've seen many people become insanely rich. And we've witness the inevitable gap that develops between the original goals and the realities of the marketplace when "success" strikes. It's not that bigger isn't always better. The original picture, however, does tend to become obscured when it's surrounded by flashiness and mass appeal. This may be fine for promoting commercial products, but it's about the worst thing that could happen to an entity with ideals.
An interesting parallel is that of government. Many years ago it was possible to be heard as an individual, even all the way to the top leadership positions. Today this is all but impossible with all of the "protection" and virtual firewalls that keep the people from their leaders. This is not a healthy progression. There is a growing and then there is a growing apart.
We will remain relevant as long as we keep thinking and developing as individuals. It's clear the landscape has changed and it would be foolish to not change with it. But to say the hacker world is dead because there's nothing left to hack shows a profound lack of understanding as to what hacking actually is. It's not a fashion statement or a fad. It's not a bunch of people looking to break the laws and get everything there is to get for free. It's a state of mind that keeps one in a constant state of questioning everything around them, whether it be technological in nature, a set of rules, or an entire belief system. It's about adapting and experimenting -- far more than most others would ever attempt. And, perhaps most importantly, it's about sharing what you learn and what you experience, not just with fellow hackers but with the rest of the world. It's likely most of the latter will have no idea just what it is you're doing and in fact may completely misunderstand your motives. But perceptions change over time, one way or another.
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| 12/25/2009 - this is a story about.. |
[27 May 2010|07:23pm] |
Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem
episode1..[x]one.more.time
episode2..[x]aerodynamic
episode3..[x]digital.love
episode4..[x]harder.better.faster.stronger
episode5..[x]crecendolls
episode6..[x]nightvision
episode7..[x]high.life
episode8..[x]superheroes
episode9..[x]something.about.us
episode10[x]voyager
episode11[x]veridis.quo
episode12[x]short.circuit
episode13[x]face.to.face
episode14[x]too.long
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| 6/9/2009 - ireland |
[27 May 2010|07:17pm] |
Ireland is the happiest country in the world but the luck of the Irish has nothing to do with it. An astonishing study of 11 industrialized nations found that Ireland has the lowest rate of depression, and experts say you can perk yourself up instantly by approaching life the way the Irish do. Here's how:
Maintain close ties with your family. -- Irish families get together as often as they can and it gives them a sense of belonging and security.
Turn loose the gift of gab. -- The Irish are renowned for expressing their feelings, which helps them gain perspective and distance themselves from unpleasant thoughts.
Dance. -- The Irish are dancing fools. Jigging to a happy tune banishes negative emotions.
Be a nature lover. -- From the Celtic ancestors, the Irish have inherited a fondness for the outdoors and deep respect for the natural world, both instant stress busters.
Share your bounty. -- The Irish realize that we're all rich in some way, even if our bank accounts are anemic, and they are willing to share what they have with others. Doing good deeds releases fee good hormones.
Tell yourself a joke. -- The Irish sense of humor has been admired and imitated for generations. Develop the ability to see the funny side of life and your brain will be flooded with mood enhancing endorphins
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| 4/8/2009 - berlin |
[27 May 2010|07:14pm] |
Tons of images of the Berlin Olympics.
Very interesting to look at. I obviously don't support neo nazism in any way, but I do find that portion of history to be interesting.
I got the link from the ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) vintagephoto community, which I adore.
I might have a real update forthcoming, but I wouldn't bet on it.
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| 4/2/2009 - corgis |
[27 May 2010|07:13pm] |
I'm sure all of you realize by now that I go through random fads in very enthusiastic bursts. This week's fad? The Queen. I want her corgis. I want to be her. She's kind of awesome.
(This one is Helen Mirren, but you wouldn't have known that if I didn't tell you)
Royal puppies!
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[27 May 2010|07:11pm] |
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| 2009/3/25 - fidelity |
[27 May 2010|07:10pm] |
Most men, far as I can tell, have extremely conditional feelings despite their attempts to pretend and convince me that it's genuine affection regardless of how we're involved. Friendships are dissolved if you don't put out, when you didn't even know you were expected to put out before. Even though we may have a strong bond between us out in the open and one (or both) of us have acknowledged that we can't fulfill anything romantic, they still expect you to remind them that you have feelings for them, keeping them in an eternal funk. Every time you try to have a consistent, friendly conversation, they're aggressive and confrontational, making it easier to avoid them when you know that every attempt to be friendly is going to dissolve into a fight. They feel abandoned, become more embittered, and eventually you just stop talking altogether.
Do you see the problem here?
It's the story of Kari being friends with boys (Sub-text: Boys and Girls Can't Be Friends). It's happened so many times now, with such familiarity, that I can hardly be surprised anymore.
I can't adhere to this stupid game again. Every single time I lose an important, valuable friendship because of petty bullshit coming from both sides. I don't know how to fix you, and I'm sorry. The best I can do is be viciously defensive and pretend that I know exactly what's good for you. I've learned that being vague and gentle only means I'm giving you an inch, and you run away with your feelings for miles and miles before you realize that you're not going anywhere.
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